Many years ago I was shocked to learn that psychology studies have repeatedly concluded that nearly 90% of the reason customers decide to do business with us, personally, is HOW we look and HOW we speak. Only roughly 10% depends on what we say, or what's on that Power Point slide.
Being in the investment business at the time, this conclusion made total sense. When I spoke to groups two or three times a week, instead of the audience understanding the color charts and graphs on the screen, they were sizing me up, personally, to see if I fit the picture of that investor they like on CNBC, if I used the same words they had read in the Wall Street Journal, and if I emitted the correct energy and character which would help them feel comfortable working with me.
Today, we so easily get wrapped in the explanation, the details, the algorithm, that we forget what truly controls our business success, that 90%. Peggy Noonan's recent WSJ column attempting to implore our society back to manners and proper formalities reminded me that JAM VIEWS was due for a little more Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." This is the 90%. This is why associates I have worked with have read it, and many have even provided me thorough book reports. These are the A-Players who will always thrive.
One year, to the dismay of my Second Street Restaurant partners, I even passed out the books to our service managers and bartenders. My partners said, "You mean the same bartender I have to call every day to explain why its important for him to come to work today, you now want me to have him read Dale Carnegie?!" If we could only get everyone to understand the true forces of the universe which control our success.
Ms. Noonan reminds us in her column that we have grown even more rude, slovenly, indifferent and cold. She claims great nations run on manners, "the lubricant that allows the great machine to hum," and I would add that this goes double for great businesses, great corporations.
She, of course, has much angst with our current smartphone culture, in one hundred different ways, especially the 30-something screeching into her phone at the nail spa because she was "closing a deal!" As she lists a few of the endless examples in business and society, she claims that to constantly correct these people "would be like slapping the maid." One of my favorite lines. So, let's review a few more important lessons from Mr. Carnegie this week:
1. Appeal to Nobel Objectives. Simply give people a fabulous reputation to live up to. If you constantly tell your associates how hardworking and creative they are, they will eventually believe that they are, and their actions will emulate this instilled mindset. If you constantly tell your management team how proud you are of them for handling the 1,000 personnel issues with compassion and strategic vision, they will naturally strive to be "that leader they have always wanted to be." And, of course, if you tell your kids daily how ridiculously smart they are, their grades will reflect it, and if you tell your spouse everyday how much you admire their love and grace, you will be even more blown away by their actions and happiness. We hold the power of the gods in our fingertips, on our lips, if we could just remember to use this power for good every day.
2. Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders. Unlike maybe you and me, 98% of the country has never served in the military. The world has changed, and its not a one-factory town where the employees have to do what you say, or else. People have options. At the start of every corporate retreat, I put up the the pyramid management chart, and I turn it upside down to communicate to the sales force and the operations staff that the CEO and the executives all work for them, not the other way around.
We must achieve our influence by helping others find the answers themselves. A brilliant leader facilitates and empowers everyone else to come up with all of the answers. Even when a specific directive must be given, it is presented as a question, as an idea. Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAGs) all the way down to what coffee the office purchases must now be everyone else's ideas [at least they must think they are].
Ever notice how your spouse will never follow through on the project you believe is of utmost importance, but if it's something they deeply care about they shock you with an unbelievable commitment and execution?! Asking questions takes practice and requires much more wisdom and grace than giving orders, but I am confident you will soon master this, Grasshopper.
3. Never say, "You're Wrong." Most of us know that the moment we tell our colleague their opinion is wrong, a wall one-hundred-feet high goes up, and they become even more entrenched in their belief and opposed to anything further we have to say. Unfortunately, we just can't stop ourselves from telling Bob, and everyone else, how stupid is his idea. Then when we think we are at least trying to be kind, we throw in a Sandwich Theory attempt with, "Bob, I know have have put a lot of work into this and everyone admires your opinion, BUT you are simply wrong on this one." This makes it worse.
When we say "but," all the other human hears is, "Everything I just said before this 'but' is false, and likely condescending or demeaning." We must replace all "buts" with "ands" in every sentence. Your success in achieving objectives will skyrocket, and your relationships will remain stronger for the next time you need Bob on your side.
We must never use "but," especially in the most sensitive matters. Recently, I was forced to petition the courts to remove the presiding judge from a legal matter in which she was, unfortunately, biased and conflicted in multiple ways. I first stated that I had great respect for her service to the courts and the country, which is completely true. Then I stated, "AND, unfortunately, in this specific matter" it appeared there needed to be a change. I believed it was key to show the proper respect to the other party, and we certainly didn't want them to feel patronized. Put up Post-it Notes on your computer screen, on the bathroom mirror, everywhere that say "No Buts!"
Have a great week and remember that great manners are the lubricant of success!
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson-Book, "A Return to Love"
** Thank you again to Mr. Dale Carnegie and the WSJ for the above quotations and statistics.
** For more information on Jeff's Books, Blog, and Legal Challenge, please visit www.jeffmartinovich.com.
** To access JAM Views directly please visit jeffreyamartinovich.blogspot.com
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